The Mirror on The Shelf

Soul Note

Soul Notes

Lisa Jewell’s, Don’t Let Him In

This isn’t a critique or review, it is a reflection of the emotions and truths the novel stirred in me, mirrored in the shadows of my own story. Let us honor the stories we carry, the ones that ache, that linger, the ones we have moved through and shaped who we have become. If it resonates, please share your own truth. It is in the telling and holding space for one another where we begin to stitch something sacred, share in the pain, learn through the struggle and feel peace in the joys of triumphs. Together we become a more compassionate world.

I wanted to scream and yell and cry out from the wellspring of my soul, DON’T LET HIM IN as I could feel the emotions of my story, my own history mirrored back in “his” dark presence, this predatory character who slips into lives long before doors are opened to him. Jewell’s character does not knock. He intentionally oozes, slipping through the cracks of the door and into the veins of our trauma forged armor. His eyes glaring with such unnerving gaze, felt all too familiar. He is a haunting force dressed in reason and logic and full of charm. A man who studies women the way a hunter studies prey, with camouflaged condescension and quiet arrogance. He moves with a smile that feels like safety until it’s far too late. As I sensed his darkness, I braced for what was coming and at the same time recognized and felt the hope and love and goodness beating in the hearts of the women in this novel. A hope felt in light and the sheer goodness of people, that space where it is believed that the best of people will rise. It is in that longing to trust and believe that the warning signs are hushed into the shadows of our consciousness. The innate focus on seeing and feeling the good and the beauty; and believing that this goodness, not only makes it “true,” but most importantly for me, it means I AM a good person who always sees the goodness in others. If I can always see the good, I am good? I am good enough? Its life validation, with a question mark? Truth? No.😊

I wasn’t naïve in my experiences, none of the women in this novel were naïve, they saw and focused in on the best, hoping he was telling the truth. In an effort not to give away any of the invigoratingly twisty suspenseful plot, the resonating theme for me, the mirror of hope, always seeing the best in someone and truly believing that their heart centered inner being will always shine through, is the beautiful turned fatal concept that so many with darkness use to remain in power, to feed the condescension, the arrogance, the narcissism and keep us unsure and guessing, while we quietly battle with our own truths. We question our self-worth, our right to live if not adhering to the small confines of his manipulations, rules and gaslighting. It strips us of our ability to speak and feel safe. It stripped me of my ability to speak and feel safe. Jewell’s book isn’t just about a man who deceives. It’s about the deeper betrayal, the one we inflict on ourselves when we silence our own knowing. The contrast of my life, the way it was playing out in front of me and the way it felt in my heart was no longer sustainable. I went silent, as a means to survive, and then to reflect, to hear, to not give fuel to the external manipulation and gaslighting that I allowed, but no longer willing to accept. I knew great change was the only way… I was challenged with his “logic” and his self-proclaimed “perfection,” while he reduced and mocked my emotions to that of childlike immaturity. I knew seeing “goodness” in that, in his behaviors, wasn’t what was right and honestly, wasn’t what he deserved. I was allowing the lessons of my past, now screaming in front of me to go unheard, unlearned, stripping me of my Divine given right to truly live, to evolve freely, with love in my heart, here on earth. I felt this “responsibility” (in a very specific sense, for purposes of my own healing) to face my shadows…to move towards self enlightenments and live; fulfill my souls purpose.

Through intensive Spiritual and Inner Alignment work, the hope and striving towards goodness and always seeing goodness as survival has been brought to a neutral healing space, where trusting no longer feels like survival or a contrasting validation that I am good enough; it is a healthy fiery honest heart centered protection from those who do not live in their hearts. It is my heart evolving, my voice released from the choking of my throat…it is feelings and words elevating freely, true flow, my soul living its best life.

The thing is… I let him in… into my identity, my sense of worth... And the worst part, it wasn’t the first time. It took a lot for the contrast to finally break me and essentially begin the healing process…You are not alone. Your story is important, and your healing is everything!

The Mirror on The Shelf, this book, rooted, resonated, reflected and created…just a little poem…

I carried a lantern and shined it only on the good in others, even when their shadows swallowed me whole. I mistook it for compassion, when it was really a chain that bound me to manipulation, gaslighting, to the silence of my own voice.

Like roots tangled around stone, I kept bending them around their harm, telling myself, “They mean well, I am overreacting, I chose them, see the best in everyone, if you do that, you are good too.” Their pain became the excuse for mine, their arrogance, the leash on my own spirit.

But spirit cannot stay caged forever. Today, when the old words of failure stirred the storm, I let the thunder roll through me. My eyes fluttered like frightened wings; my belly burned with the pulse of fear. I opened, I listened, I let the storm speak.

And then, in the stillness after lightning, I felt the fire. I drew it into my heart, and there it transmuted, like coal igniting into gold, like ashes rising into flame. The fear became compassion, the noise became love. Not for them, for me.

In that fire came breath, a living breath of deserving, not the word, not the concept, but a radiant current, a river of light moving through me, bright multi colored swirling power beams, into my third eye, filling my body, my heart, my being, with knowing.

Knowing joy, knowing peace, a worthiness to speak, to rise, to exist on this earth in full essence.

Even forgiveness appeared, not as a crown for them but as wings for me. Forgiving the unrepentant, the unaware, the unapologetic, is freedom. It is this freedom that unlocks the next doorway of my own evolution. And so, the men, the lessons, the silence forced upon me and because of me; they were chisels, carving me open, the storms that taught me that I am stronger than collapse. They are not my silence, not my death, they are the sacred compost from which I grow.

I am the fire no longer dimmed, I am the breath of life, in essence, moving through light and shadow, claiming my right to live, to speak, to evolve, to root deeply into the earth and stretch endlessly through the universe.

I am deserving, I am whole, I am free. You are deserving, you are whole, you are free. Heal ourselves, healing ourselves together, heals the world.

Thanks, Lisa Jewell, for opening up such profound reflection and healing, in the midst of such close hearted deceit! The right to healing, its everything…this invigorating novel…brilliant! 😊